OH MY GOD.

I'm going crazy.
Date 1: Baguio Guy Let's not talk about that.

Date 2: Ateneo guy He's to young for me. I don't wanna baby-sit anymore. We are better-off as friends.

Date 3: Older 48-year old guy HAHAHAHAHA. Desperation for validation that's all.

Date 4: TODAY with Raymond Raymond is a cool guy, we never really dated dated.. A gut I met in Indonesia through a friend in APRIL of this year. Then I saw him again in June. And now he's arriving again today to work in the Philippines for a year. Our first real date will be tonight. I'm so nervous. I feel like throwing up. I was holding back because I was in love with someone else. When he's really just perfect for me. He's gwapo. He has an MA in Business Management, he's 5'11". He stays fit and has a great body. He could possibly be the man of every girl's dream. And to top it all off, he loves me. I'm just scared of loving him because I don't really feel like falling in love again... not now at least. But I feel so touched and guilty at the same time because the only reason he's working here for a year is because of me. what can I do?

NO MORE EXCLUSIVE DATING I've decided that I'm not going to exclusively date 1 guy so

DATE 5: Pulp Editor-inChief Joey Dizon I think he's smart and he's cool, so a long time friend of mine Vernon Go set me up with a date with him this coming Friday. I don't really understand what I'm doing.

THE BAGGAGES

Alex G
The Muslim doctor that I was supposed to marry. Argh! There's a part of me that keeps on saying that I'm still gonna end up with him. So confusing. 4 years can fuck a person up so bad.

Jayjay
My forever what-could-have-been. If only he wasn't so much like Mikee, and if only he didn't have a pregnant girlfriend. And if only he never left the Philippines 4 fuckin years ago. And I wish he wasn't so damn cute and makin me feel so ugly by being such a demi-GOD. FUck. And i wish that he wasn't smart and he wasn't so kulit that I can't stand it but I like it. I figure that you can never be just friends with a guy. It really is true. And now his friend Raymond is in love with me. If I had to make an ultimate choice, I'd love to be with Jayjay right now. ARGH!!!!

Mikee
I still love him somehow. I wish that I could stop thinking about him. It's coz we never had closure and he just dropped me like shit. And nobody I love should ever hurt me like that. So sad. We could've ended as friends. BUT then again guys and gals could never be just friends.

I'M so happy right now. I don't know why. God works in mysterious ways. I feel so loved and so lucky. everything's so balanced. I should never underestimate myself because I can eaily bounce back from misery and being sad. It's always been a state of mind for me. I wish that people were as lucky as I am especially my friends. I wish my friends were happy. I think that probably in two weeks I'll be having a new boyfriend and 2 guys will still be clinging at the back of my head. I was never really good in this love thing. I'm trouble and a tease. I'm so bad.

MEN RIGHT NOW

Okay so I'm transitioning right now.... I have 3 options in men... Option 1: My ex muslim boyfriend who's apparently still in love with me and wants to marry me. Option 2: My Fil-Am friend from Indonesia who I figure just wants to fuck me like all of the other Fil-Am Assholes. Option 3: Another Fil-Am friend from Indonesia who I've known for 5 years who just recently got his girlfriend pregnant and says we have unfinished business and he'd risk it all for me. and Option 4: This nice and cute and smart and sweet editor-in-chief of Pulp Magazine.

So who do i choose?! C'mon c'mon. LOL

BAD YEAR FOR LOVE.

I figure that there are 4 major elements in my life: FAMILY, FRIENDS, CAREER, and LOVE. 2005 was a terrible year for friendship. I was betrayed, deceived, and hurt by some of my long-time friends, and everything that happened to me at that time almost left me devastated.

As I entered the year 2006, I never expected that it would be such a bad year for love. So check this out..

MUSLIM DOCTOR
I was in this relationship with a medical student (who happens to be Muslim, by the way) for over 4 years. It just hit me that the relationship was long overdue and this guy was never gonna marry me because of our difference in “faith.” And before 2005 ends, he proposes to me. Great! Just great. Fabulous actually. Not. Bad wishes from everybody at the thought of “Aimee becoming Muslim.”

And then there was New Year 2006 at BORACAY…

SAN FRANCISCO Fil-Am.
Met this not-too attractive guy that was very smart and funny. Sorta liked him. Fooled around with him for a bit until he left for the US. He was starting to really like me a lot. He called me all the time. I entertained him. But never left the muslim doctor.

And then one of my bosses at work introduces me to the son of our US Business Partner…

NEW YORK Fil-Am.
My doom. The gist of it is this: dropped every guy in my life (EVERY POSSIBLE GUY ON THIS PLANET I COULD”VE HAD A THING WITH, AND COULD’VE BEEN MARRIED TO RIGHT NOW) for this college drop-out who I’ve only been with for 3 weeks! Left for the US after 3 weeks with the promise of coming back after 5 months. And after five months, I get butt-fucked… almost. He doesn’t come home. And not a single e-mail, phone call, or text message as to why he just dropped me. Not even a POST-IT.

NOW, 2 WEEKS AFTER.
Been out on dates with a guy from Baguio who could possibly be April Boy’s long lost brother, and a fresh-grad from ATENEO with lots of pimples on his face and hormones in his groin. Just perfect.

I talk about self-preservation and shit and I just let myself waste away these couple of months for a guy I haven’t seen in months. One minute you have everything, the next minute you’re just nothing. So much for my Happy Ending, as Avril would say. Pathetic. So this is what KARMA feels like. Swell.

Hate. Indifference.Detachment. ---- I''m still in the hate stage.

FUCK HARVEY. Grabe mare, it just hit me.... Yes I am in love with Mikee. I am so in love with him. And yes I am hurt. Super duper hurt. I can't stop thinking about him. I want to start hating him, because I should hate him for hurting me this bad. I waited for 5 months just to get my heart broken and it hurts so bad. I don't even know why I loved him. He's a college drop-out and he's full of shit. But I have no one to blame but myself. I allowed myself to fall in love with him. my virgin-spiel, the getting-to-know-dramatics, the conversations of dreamers and stupid idealists we had were all signs that I was doomed to get my heart broken. ANd why did I do it?! Because I wanted to hope. I wanted to fall in love and feel alive. We do stupid things in life, but what the heck! What's would living be like without all the stupid things that we do. I'm so desperate right now Harvey. I'm so desperate to let go and just to move on, from Alex and from Mikee.. and from everything.

Life should just suck a dick. Life just sucks. It does Harvey. It really does. I hate that I'm hurting this badly. It hurts so much Harvs. I know na kaya ko siya and I'll get over it soon. But it just hurts right now. I want to scream to everybody here at the office of Crown Asia and tell them "YEAH. I did fall in love with Mikee and he screwed me over BIGTIME. So what?!?" He could just die and go to hell. He could just burn in hell. I curse him.. I wanna curse him and put an evil spell on him that his dick would just fall off! God Harvs. Love makes you do stupid things. I was willing to just have this long distance shit for years and years when it's not what I want. I said before that I was prepared to be like my mother. But I don't wanna be like my mother. She's miserable because my dad cheats on her constantly. i don't wanna be that. I deserve so much more. And why do I even like him?! He's tied to his dad and super dependent. He's the most immature 30-year-old guy I've ever met. I should've just bailed months ago. Saved my dignity and pride. It just hurts so bad that he's happy right now HARVS. I'm not sure that he is, but it looks like it. It hurts so bad that he's moved on from me without even saying a single word. Why couldn't he just say goodbye harvs?! Is it that difficult?! "I've met somebody else I'm sorry. Goodbye." I can do that. You can do that too right?!? Oh my gosh harvs. I feel retarded. I'm bursting into tears here I look ridiculous. I'm going out for a smoke... I wish you were around me..